Sam Avery - The Learner Parent

Sam Avery - The Learner Parent Follow

🎤 CURRENTLY ON TOUR ⬇️ Tickets
👬 Twin dad to toddlers
☕️ Slave to the bean
📚 Bestselling author
💻 Award winning blogger

http://www.boundandgaggedcomedy.com/bandg-tour-sam-avery.html

16,052 Followers  705 Follow

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This week’s Secret Diary is here ⬆️
Is there anything better than getting on the train to find out that you’d booked yourself a piss-cheap first class ticket ages ago and completely forgotten?! Loads of leg room, free coffee ☕️ and I’m the only one on the carriage. Fingers crossed 🤞 we get delayed...😂
Had such an amazing weekend in Cambridge and Birmingham. Thanks to all of you who came out - I’m so touched that loads of you are choosing my show as your first night out in years! Great to meet everyone who brought books and wanted selfies too, it was ace to hear your stories! Now, home to the family, who I’ve missed like mad.  #learnerparenttour
This beautiful Brummy bastard is full for me tonight. Unreal. Feel like a plucky non-league minnow that’s drawn a Premier League giant in the cup. LET’S DO THIS! (Although will prob wait for the audience arrive.) #goldenruleofshowbiz #dontstartwithouttheaudience #learnerparenttour
Look, momma! I finally got into Cambridge! You proud of me now, momma? SPEAK TO ME, MOMMA! Ahem, sorry about that. It’s been a long week. Anyway, I’m at Cambridge Junction tonight. #learnerparenttour
Tour date in Brighton tonight 🤟so gonna go and twat some mods on the beach after the show. Last time I came to this town was for my stag do and I can’t remember a single thing we did or any of the places we went. What a waste of money that weekend was, in hindsight. Could’ve put that money in an ISA. Fuck I’m old...
Imagine how angry these gammon twats will be when they figure out that adverts aren’t trying to change who we are but are, in fact, purely produced to place the designated product as firmly in the public consciousness to make us buy shit we don’t need with money we don’t have. You’ll hear their heads exploding from space.
Turns out I sniff my pits in my sleep.
1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT.

You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pyjamas.

Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do.

2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST

This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have both fucked off in a sports car like Thelma and Louise.

You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are.

You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes.

Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes.

3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN BABY PUKES ON THEM

Baby is playing.
Baby is bouncing.
Baby is smiling.
Baby is puking.
Duvet is ruined.
Parent is tired.
Duvet is dabbed with a wet wipe.
Parent is satisfied that's classed as washing.

4. YOU WILL NOT LET BABY NAP ON THE SOFA

They've had it too good for too long. They need to learn that the sofa is for sitting and the cot is for napping. Except your favourite programme is on and they're sleeping like a log that just got a new onesie.

You've woken a napping baby before and it was like an out-take from the Exorcist. Sod it. Let sleeping babies lie. You can start properly tomorrow.

5. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE WEARING ONLY CLEAN CLOTHES

This is as likely as Adele singing about a happy ending. (Of course by which I don’t mean one of the ‘extras’ in a seedy massage parlour.) Your criteria for choosing clothes used to be: 'OOH, WHAT WOULD I LOOK NICE IN TODAY?' After your baby was born it became: ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON?' A few months of parenthood down the line it evolved into: ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON THE CROTCH?' Let’s be honest, nowadays you open the wardrobe and go: ‘AH FUCK IT. YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THAT PUKE IF I KEEP MY HAND THERE’
One day at a time, guys. 🤞 #indigestionanonymous
Back on tour this weekend with two nights at the Palace Theatre in Southend. ROCK ON 🤘
I seem to have collected loads of new followers recently so I thought I’d say a quick hello. 👋🤓
My name is Sam and I’m a stand up comic from Liverpool. In 2015 I became the proud father of twin boys and my head fell off. I’d never been happier (obvs) but life was now suddenly a series of unusual daily challenges, a bit like The Crystal Maze but with more faeces.
💩 
So I started my blog to try and find some humour in the midst of all the shit and screaming. There’s loads of proper lovely people who follow the page and because of them, I got asked to write a book in 2017 called ‘Confessions of a Learner Parent’ that I’m dead proud of. Especially when women DM me to say they’ve *literally* pissed themselves while reading it. (Not sure that’s a great selling point actually.) 📚 
And because of that book and this page I’m currently doing my first ever national tour with a brand new stand up show called ‘The Learner Parent.’ The first set of dates were so popular that they’ve just extended the tour so there’s tonnes of dates all over the UK until the end of July. (Link in bio ⬆️) 🤓 🎤 
I’m also on Facebook where my page is approaching a rather silly number of 150k followers, so check that out if you get a minute. 
Thanks for following.

And cheers for not mentioning the stains on my jumper. 
I know you noticed them. 
Me and you are gonna get along.

Sam x
Me and the kids.