Sam Avery - The Learner Parent

Sam Avery - The Learner Parent Follow

👬 Twin dad to toddlers
📚 Bestselling author
💻 Award winning blogger
🎤 ON TOUR TILL JULY 2019 🇬🇧 2020 SHOW NOW ONSALE!
⬇️ Tickets ⬇️

http://bit.ly/learnerparentnewsletter

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WOULD YOU LET THIS MAN INTO YOUR HOUSE?

Me neither!

EVEN IF HE WAS COMING TO DO SHOW FOR YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IN YOUR LIVING ROOM??? What? Whooooahhh! *Cough*

Sorry. I’ll stop shouting now. And talking in the third person. I’m not The Rock.

BUT if you want to be in the rather exciting draw at the end of the month to win a FREE gig from ME in YOUR house, all you have to do is join my newsletter here via the link in my bio ⬆️ You’ll get an amusing email every couple of weeks from yours truly, plus first access to live shows when they’re announced. And I promise not to spam or sell your details to your local soft play centre.

So whatcha waiting for? 
Sam x

Pic (c) Andy Hollingworth
We could’ve gone to Prague!
This toothbrush is living dangerously. 🦷 💩
#dreamscancometrue
#thesecretdiaryofa4yearold
The boys’ first Relate session didn’t go well.
Had a great week of gigs but MY WORD do I miss the kids. Currently on the train back home so can’t wait to see their little faces and then treat them with a trip to Aldi to do the big shop. (Lucky them!) Thanks to everyone who came out to the shows this week in Poole, Guildford, Hemel Hempstead and Folkestone - it was great to meet so many of you afterwards! #learnerparenttour
1. YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY THE SMELL OF SHIT AND WET WIPES 
Whether you’re in front of the Pyramid Stage or making a brew in your kitchen, you’ll be inhaling this depraved cocktail the whole time. 
2. YOU INADVERTENTLY SING ALONG TO SOME TERRIBLE MUSIC

From Peppa Pig to The Proclaimers, Tellytubbies to Janet Jackson – it’s all crap. But you will be humming it. All the time. And just because it’s catchy doesn’t mean it’s good. Ebola is catchy.

3. TWO HOURS SLEEP AIN’T BAD

Maybe your bundle of joy decided to wake the entire street with their impromptu Slipknot audition at 3am. Or perhaps the morning sun turned your tent into a sweat-pit after a late night rave around Shangri-La. Either way, sleep is now something you *used* to do. 
4. TOILET BREAKS ARE NOT RELAXING

Whether it’s queueing to squat over a rancid portaloo or taking a dump in installments because your kid got stuck between the wall and the sofa, both scenarios make normal toilet trips seem like a spa weekend in comparison.

5. YOU’LL WITNESS THINGS SEEN NOWHERE ELSE

At Glastonbury I once looked on flabbergasted as a twenty stone bollock-naked man who was painted silver waved his willy in my mates face and stole his chips. When my boys were babies I witnessed one of them piss in his own mouth mid-nappy change and somehow enjoy the taste. You just don’t see that kind of thing in Tesco. 🤓 I’ve posted this before so thanks in advance for not mentioning it...
I’m away. Can’t believe how much the kids are missing me.
Tour show last night @lighthousepoole I say my closing line. Audience are clapping. I’m happy with the show. Outro music is playing. I’m waving and thanking everyone. I start walking through the audience (cos I’m a man of the people) to get to the lobby to do the meet & greet. It’s taking me a while because it’s dark and I don’t want to fall. I feel like Pat Cash at Wimbledon. They’re still clapping. Everything is fine. Until I convince myself that they’re going to suddenly stop clapping very soon so I need to hurry up and that’s when the pressure hits me square in the face so I pick the wrong door and shut myself inside a bloody cupboard. #showbiz
Dragged myself out for a run (waddle) this morning along Poole harbour. Kept seeing the same butterfly. He looked knackered too. 🦋 🏃‍♂️